Wednesday, 12 June 2013

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to Independence

We would like to start this blog with the words ‘Dinnae Panic’.  This, we feel, will not only make you more relaxed about independence, but also about the ragtag characters who make up the ‘no’ campaign, thus turning any lingering frustration, anger, bemusement and/or desire to end it all at how hopelessly incompetent that shower at Westminster are, into the more positive act of actually doing something about it and helping Yes Scotland.  Just remember, Dinnae Panic.

The 'Hitchhiker's Guide to Independence' is available on all good planets.

Unlike the ‘Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy’, the Hitchhiker’s Guide to Independence doesn’t begin with the construction of a hyperspace bypass; indeed vast capital projects, which conveniently fall outside the Barnett Formula and thus leads to no extra funding for Scotland, Wales or Northern Ireland, tend to congregate within the M25 and rarely trouble anyone outside this bubble.  Everyone accepts this because they have no choice but to accept it, making everyone outside the bubble who isn't in Scotland angry at anyone who attempts to give themselves a choice through independence because they can’t go with them, and everyone inside the bubble angry because they don’t feel appreciated enough.  Dinnae Panic.  After independence all those people who feel angry at the people who want to fix the problem will become angry at the things that deserve their anger, making the world a better (and less angry) place.

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to Independence actually begins in the Vogon Parliament, which is broadcast every day at 6:30 by the Galactic State Broadcasting Corporation (northern regional office).  The Vogon’s are responsible for the despair of people in Scotland, primarily due to repeatedly subjecting them to ‘Vogon Speeches’, which are widely considered to be the third worst form of political speech in the known Universe.  For reference, the second worst speech makers are the Omni-Garblers of Alpha Centauri, with number 1 going to Johann Lamont.

Even Bablefish won't translate Vogon Speeches. 

Here are a few examples of Vogon Speeches:

The Vogons, realising that their speeches and state broadcaster were losing their effectiveness on the increasingly curious Scots, turned to their ultimate weapon, a device known as the ‘infinite improbability contrive’.  The timing for this switch was really improbable because until that very moment, the Vogons had been largely uninterested in Scotland and more concerned about whether other countries were worried about being beating up by them.

The infinite improbability contrive, which examines every conceivable contrived question in the universe simultaneously, is the single most important piece of technology available to the ‘no’ campaign, for it can calculate every fantastically improbable situation that could befall Scotland should the people who live here actually decide what they want to do.

The questions asked were so fantastical, that the ‘no’ campaign proved, beyond any doubt or argument, that no nation, including the Vogon nation, can ever possibly survive if their people get to decide what happens.  Realising the enormity of their mistake, the operators of the infinite improbability contrive switched the machine off at question 507, and promptly placed it in a small cupboard next to leaflets marked ‘you'll go bankrupt without a Triple A rating’.  Dinnae Panic.  The scientists who constructed the infinite improbability contrive were so careful and precise in their work that the chances of it ever being wrong are 2276709 to one, ironically making it certain that it is wrong.

Following the discovery that the infinite improbability contrive was wrong, those individuals amongst the heroes who couldn’t take any more headed for the Restaurant at the End of the Referendum and were served Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters (a specialty at all 7 bars and 19 alcohol selling restaurants within the Vogon Parliament) whilst muttering ‘I just want it all to end!’  Despite reports to the contrary, we can confirm that the passage of time will be consistent between now and the 18th of September 2014, regardless of the number of Gargle Blasters consumed, although a ‘no’ vote will set Scotland back 20 years.

"Milky-way milk, Sunday Sun Sundaes and Betelgeuse Beetles are all tea," menu listing

We hope that this brief introduction to the Hitchhiker’s Guide to Independence has been helpful to you.  If, for reasons  securing civil liberties, guaranteeing workers rights, refocusing the Scottish economy to extract the best performance possible, reforming the tax laws so that they work, having more choice, not having the youth of Scotland sent into wars all around the world that we don’t want to be part of, more control for local authorities, the creation of a wealth fund that ensures that future generations benefit from our fantastic natural resources, getting rid of David Cameron who would no longer tell us what to do, getting rid of Alex Salmond who would almost certainly retire after independence since that’s been his life’s goal, or not suffering Ed Miliband’s undoubtedly doubt-worthy leadership, then you should spend the remaining days before the referendum actually doing something positive and campaign with Yes Scotland.  Dinnae Panic, if we work hard enough, then we’ll get a Yes vote.

But if, for the reasons of boredom, love of Westminster, happiness at having Weapons of Mass Destruction at your doorstep, or just a deep longing for Tuition Fees and Prescription Charges, you believe that this blog has wasted your precious time and that you really don’t care who is in charge, then please visit the Restaurant at the End of the Referendum, enjoy your drink and be thankful for the cuts, wars and tax rises that are coming your way…unfortunately, unlike the infinite improbability contrive, they aren’t improbable.

If you like this blog, then please consider visiting our other sites:
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P.S. Our apologies to the late, great Douglas Adams, whose work we so much admire.  Also, check out 'The Hitch Hiker's Guide to Scottish Independence' by Andrew Pickering, available on Kindle!

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